my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
