Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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