I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
