She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
