This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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