yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
