sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
