I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize