my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
