phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
