mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
