Im at strip club and am horny
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
