I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
