So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All the doctor said was why
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
