You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Congratulations! We have a period
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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