i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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