White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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