Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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