Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
