He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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