the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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