They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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