So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize