Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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