why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
