Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize