We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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