I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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