I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
