i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
