I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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