I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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