my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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