I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
