Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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