I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize