What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The beer is more important than you right now.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
