i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
