ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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