ADVERTISEMENT

• (714): View more from California

  I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.

  Fav 8 881 2351

  share tweet
  

• (858): View more from California

  in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

  Fav 54 2393 5139

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (651): View more from Minnesota

  My Vagina smells like Nemo again.

  Fav 29 859 5546

  share tweet
  

• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

  Fav 43 4484 4870

  share tweet
  

• (520): View more from Arizona

  normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

  Fav 11 4524 1541

  share tweet
  

• (540): View more from Virginia

  Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.

  Fav 6 906 1520

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (970): View more from Colorado

  I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.

  Fav 7 2439 1089

  share tweet
  

• (971): View more from Oregon

  Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?

  Fav 11 1018 3259

  share tweet
  

• (706): View more from Georgia

  if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder

  Fav 1 730 1009

  share tweet
  

• (828): View more from North Carolina

  YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.

  Fav 11 2129 1293

  share tweet
  

• (701): View more from North Dakota

  You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"

  Fav 0 1547 649

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (480): View more from Arizona

  Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?

  Fav 2 955 413

  share tweet
  

• (314): View more from Missouri

  You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.

  Fav 1 471 164

  share tweet
  

• (315): View more from New York

  He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow

  Fav 0 355 187

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (443): View more from Maryland

  My parents are being so annoying about my colon.

  Fav 0 10 48

  share tweet
  

Randomize