I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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