Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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