I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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