I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
