I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Randomize
