I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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