Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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