Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
