I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
