phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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