i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
