i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
