You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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