His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
