So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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