rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
