Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
