I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you had me at cake vodka
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
