Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
