I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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