I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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