I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize