I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
